FoxFire Studios presents
A Disney Firestorm FanFict
The Kissing Contest
By David Gonterman
Ariel, Jasmine, Pocahontas, and Quasimodo copyrighted by
The Walt Disney Company; used primarily for Fan Fiction.
Storyline inspired by 'A Kiss is just a Kiss,' by Elin Winkler
and Joe Rosales
from Wild Life #8 (Aug 94) from Antarctic Press
The scene: Ariel, Jasmine, and Pocahontas are in the same dorm
room, priming and primping themselves and engaging in girl talk.
Ariel's trying out new swimsuits in front of a mirror, while Jas
is lounging on the bed in plain clothes reading a teen mag. Poca
is dabbling in black leather and vinyl--trying not to look *too*
much like a dona matrix--and brushing her hair by the vanity.
Jasmine: So Ariel, what're you dating with *this* week?
Ariel: You know 'crazy' Davey Kintobor?
Jasmine: He's that FoxFire guy from that Anime series. Cute?
Ariel: He's a furry, Jas, of course he's cute; but that doesn't
make him a toon.
Jasmine: Oh get out! A furry who's *not* a toon?!
Ariel: *most* of the time anyway. Like any Kitsune, he has his
moments, but then again, every guy does. <g>
Pocahontas: <twirls a stick of lipstick in the air> I *know*
what you mean!! Why do guys think we're just *dying* to throw
ourselves at their feet, as if they're such *big studs* like
Jasmine: Poor Mistress Poca. Still keeping a flame for John,
Pocahontas: <returns to the vanity mirror.> Not any more . . .
Ariel: Who's John? I don't--
Jasmine: You don't know?! Captain John Smith. Anyone who reads
history books knows about *him*!! He and Poca were dating for a
while but he was sent back to England after Ratcliffe shot him
while getting at her father.
Ariel: No kidding, Jas.
Jasmine: Nobody from Disney's ever seen of heard from him since.
Ariel: You really haven't heard from him, Pocahontas?
Pocahontas: Oh, *yes*! <Jasmine snickers as she dives back into
her mag> I thought I'll run into him again when I came to the
Magic Kingdom, since we're both Disney Characters now, but for
all I know, John Smith could have forgotten all about me.
Ariel: Geez, that's the worst! Some men are nothing but
trouble. Oh well, at least some of them are trainable.
Jasmine: Yeah, and John *is* a good kisser . . . um, right Poca?
Pocahontas: <sighs> Yeah . . . <at this point, Ariel goes over
to Poca to comfort her, while Jas innocently returns to her mag>
I don't know . . . Maybe I could have done something to make him
stay . . . we could've healed him . . ."
Ariel: Now now, Pocahontas. You can't blame yourself when a guy
gets snatched from you by something that isn't *your* fault."
Pocahontas: <Looks at her reflection in the vanity> I guess . .
. It's always the good kissers that get away from me. if only I
can get them to say . . .
<The 'S&M Alert' lights up in Jasmine's brain. It's Pocahontas'
Native American lifestyle and the incident she had with Madonna
that had given Disney's Indian Princess a reputation of being
into stuff shown in that 'Human Nature' video in certain circles,
even though she's really not that deep into it and Disney
prefers' not to delve into their characters' sex lives. She
changes the subject.>
Jasmine: So, Ariel--how's the Son of Robotnik?
Pocahontas: Yeah, how's he kiss?
Ariel: <returns to the mirror> Oh . . . he's okay.
Jasmine: <gasp> *that* bad, huh?
Ariel: I didn't say that--
<Pocahontas and Jasmine huddle>
Pocahontas: Must be a slimer!
Jasmine: Total Octopus!!
Poca and Jas: HOME TONSILLECTOMY!!! <The two proceed to mock
choke and gag in jest.>
Ariel: Hey!! Now cut that out! I *just* said he was okay!
Besides, with me to *educate* him, he'll be *incredible* in no
Jasmine: Oh? and who says *you're* so hot?
Ariel: It's common knowledge.
Jasmine: <in a quiet voice> I wonder *how* common.
<At that crack, Ariel shifts into something akin to Dark Phoenix
Ariel: JASMINE!! <spins to face her as Jasmine is smiling
mischievously> I cannot beLIEVE you just said that!!
Pocahontas: *I* can!! After all, what do you say . . . "Takes
one to know one"? <g>
Ariel and Jas: <loudly> POCAHONTAS!!!
Pocahontas: Really, what is it with you two, arguing over
Ariel: *Po*-ca, a girl who can *kiss* can make a guy do
Jasmine: Yeah, buy stuff, sell stuff, forget stuff . . . not get
shot and have to dump you . . .
Ariel: . . . and do it without going all the way.
Jasmine: . . . that too . . .
Ariel: . . . *and* they'll ignore everyone else. That's why
Jasmine gets to pick through my leftovers.
Jasmine: <sits up> In your *dreams,* Island Girl. I can
out-kiss you any day!
Ariel: Huh! You and what love potion, Jasmine? Last time I
check, you had to pry Aladdin off that Sand Witch.
Jasmine: I can prove it to you, Ariel!
Pocahontas: Do you mean, like a contest?
Jasmine: Yeah! A contest!!
Ariel: You are *on*!
Pocahontas: Then who're are you going to get to be the judge?
There's no boys around here, and I'm not a lesbian . . .
Jasmine: waitaminute--There *is* a guy around here . . . sorta
<The Hunchback of Notre Dane is in the clock tower of
Cinderella's castle, playing with his new Jonathan Brisby action
figure. As the three girls enter the room, their shadows, which
was the only thing apparent at one time, resembles cubism>
Ariel, Jas, and Poca: Quasiiii . . .
Hugo: Red Alert! Red Alert! Three girls coming in from the
port bow!! Battle Stations!!
Victor: They're locking us on with their tractor beam...
Quasimodo: Uh? Oh, hi. What can I do for you
Ariel: <approaches Quasi> We came here to ask you for a favor.
Laverne: <puts a hand over Quasi's mouth> The answer is no,
Ariel: You don't even know what it is yet!
Laverne: So wut? It's probably some *girl* thing!
Pocahontas: <to Jasmine> That gargoyle's quick.
Jasmine: <to Pocahontas> That's a gargoyle? Give me Goliath
Ariel: I'll give you a gold cover Blood and Metal #0,
autographed by David Gonterman himself.
Hugo: How'd we know it's him?
Ariel: He signed it with his E-Mail address.
Hugo: That's *him* all right. He always signs with his E-Mail
address. Weird dude.
Laverne: I still don't know . . .
Ariel: But Quasi, you've *got* to help us. Just think of
getting a kiss from--
<At that point, everything hits the proverbial fan>
Victor: WE'VE BEEN HIT!!
Laverne: WE'VE LOST THE SHIELDS AND TAKING CASUALTIES ON ALL
Quasimodo: <ducks under the covers> Go away!! I don't want
Jasmine: Way to go, mermaid.
Ariel: Hey!! I don't have cooties!
Pocahontas: What if you get paid?
Quasimodo: Huh? <peeps over the covers> How much?
<The three Disney Princesses pool their resources . . .>
Ariel: Okay, $7.65, 12 Innoventions Tokens, and the comic.
Quasimodo: And no dressing me up in drag . . .
Ariel: No way, we don't *do* that here.
Quasimodo: And you *swear* you don't have any cooties?
Jasmine: *I* don't . . .
Pocahontas: I don't even know what a cootie is.
Jasmine: . . . what about you, Little Mermaid?
Ariel: <Through gritted teeth> Yeah, I *swear.*
<The three girls drag the Hunchback back to their dorm and sit
him on a stool>
Quasimodo: Okay, so you three will kiss me and I'll tell you who
the best one is . . . that's not *too* hard.
Ariel: I just want to make sure you understand.
Quasimodo: I'm not a dumb playboy bunny, like you, Ariel!
Quasimodo: *I* didn't get caught in the bushes with Phoebus in
that party at--
Ariel: <back in Dark Phoenix mode> QUASIMODO!! <starts to
choke Quasi> you listen to me you little ratings trashing--
Jasmine: <pulls Ariel away> Hey, Hey, Hey! No roughing the
ref, girl. Remember what we're here for.
Pocahontas: <gets handed an angry Ariel> Why don't you go
Jasmine: A good idea, Poca . . . <turns to Quasi and starts to
flirt> Quaaaasiii . . . have you ever . . . um . . . kissed a
Quasimodo: Ick! NO!!
Jasmine: <still flirting> Well, a cute guy like you should pick
it up fast. Just put you hand on my hip . . . <guides hand> . .
. Take a *deep* breath and . . . mmmmmmmmm . . . <cue 7-second
kiss> . . . See that wasn't--
Quasimodo: <surprised that he can actually make an ugly face>
YUUUUUCK!! That was as bad as I thought!!
<Ariel and Poca snickers>
Ariel: Oh, tough *break*, Jas.
Ariel: My turn! <turns to Quasi> Just remember who the most
popular Disney Character is, outside of Fanficts . . . <gives him
a passionate one>
Quasimodo: <just *this much* from puking>
EEEEGGGGYYYYYUUUCKKK!!! That was the worst *EVER*!! Never do
that *AGAIN*!! Augh! Ack! Fytoo!! <wipes mouth and spits>
<Ariel is wishing fates for the Hunchback that Judge Frollo will
never pull from his feeble imagination, but Jasmine holds her
Jasmine: Now, Ariel--don't be a sore *loser* . . .
Pocahontas: Well, I guess it's my turn now.
Ariel: Huh? Oh, right. By my guest, Mistress Poca.
<Poca's pet name stir up the rumors that Quasi heard about
Disney's resident Native American, but her face and voice was the
calm in the middle of the storm.>
Pocahontas: Just one more, child. Okay? <as their lips meet,
Quasi's eyes were lit up like headlamps.> . . .
mmmmmmmmmmmm--<SMAK> <Poca pulls away with a loud pop, and smoke
come out of Quasi's mouth. Ariel and Jas were staring in
disbelief.> That's enough for now.
Ariel and Jas: WELL?!
Quasimodo: You win, Poca. You're the best.
Pocahontas: Thank you.
Ariel: WHAAAT?! WHY?
Jasmine: Yeah, why?
Quasimodo: She tastes like strawberries!!
Jasmine: Strawberry lipstick?
Ariel: That's *cheating!!*
Pocahontas: Not lipstick, it's an actual strawberry . . .
Jasmine: *I* should've thought of that!
Ariel: Even if it *wasn't* cheating, you were really bending it,
Poca! We have to start it up again like Windows 95, and *this*
time without the bugs, so wipe that crap off and--
<By now, Quasi has grabbed his pay and is heading out the door>
Ariel: --HEY!! Get back here!! We're not done with you . . .
<Quasi booked all the way back to the Castle, where he collapses
on the front lawn by the now-retired Michael Eisner, Roy Disney,
David Gonterman: <That's me, FYI> . . . and he books over here
like Frollo's right on his heels and plops right . . . here? Oh,
hiya Quasi. You look frazzled, what's up?
Quasimodo: <sighs> Girl trouble again. Women. I'll never
Michael Eisner: Woah, you look like you've been kissed by
Mistress Pocahontas! Heh-heh.
David: I hope I didn't write too much into her, guys. I tried
Roy Disney: Oh, I'm afraid you hit the nail right on the head,
my friend. She earned that name meaning "little mischief" for a
Michael: Yeah, and my arteries are paying for it to this day.
<mutters> . . . you could use a quadruple bypass yourself roy . .
. <returns to me> I knew she'd be trouble the day she nearly
scalped the hag from Snow White.
David: I take it she was tipped off about the apples that witch
Roy: Yeah, And when I questioned her about it, she gave me the
'Chief Powhattan didn't raise an idiot' speech afterward.
Michael: And then there was Maleficent . . .
Roy: . . . Cruella De Ville . . .
Michael: . . . The incident with Madonna which got a lot of
press in gossip mags . . .
Roy: . . . Cinderella's Wicked Stepmother and Sisters . . .
Quasimodo: And let's not forget Judge Claude Frollo, when she
was escorting me, Esmeralda, and Phoebus to the Magic Kingdom.
/<Come now, do you really think that Disney Characters die in
their movies? Slappy Squirrel exposed the real truth not too
long ago. On the record, Bambi's mother finally assumed room
temprature about two weeks before Storm the Castle; Old Yeller
did the same last year. To my knowledge, Mufasa is still alive
and kicking, and that's more than I can say to Frollo, who is
still in Intensive Care after leaping out of the bell tower in
Notre Dane. (To flee from Poca, no doubt)>/
Quasimodo (cont'd): . . . Oh, and I hear that she's looking at
you David. Is that right?
David: <with the cotton of stress in my mouth> Oh, boy.
Michael: Roy, Is *this* your backlash for Haunted Fantasies?! I
thought we weren't going to sue this kid!
Roy: I have *no* idea about this, I swear! <Turns to me> Don't
worry, my boy, If Poca *likes* you, that means she'll treat you
gentle, like she did to John Smith before he disappeared. She
wouldn't think of putting the whips and chains to *you*; she
only does that to Disney Villains primarily. With her you'll
only have to worry about an overly adventuresome love life, but
hey, if you can write stories on Old Man Coyote, than having
Pocahontas for a girlfriend will be a <at this point the
appropriate music that preludes a shark attack> oh-oh . . .
Quasimodo: What's that playing?
David: <I stand up> That was the Theme from 'Jaws,' the park is
getting too quiet all of the sudden, and Roy and Michael are
backing away from me, which means that Pocahontas is just behind
this bush. <I poke my head in some nearby shrubbery> Wing-gap-o, Poca.
Pocahontas: Wing-gap-o, come here.
<She snatches me by the shoulders and pulls me in til I
disappeared. If Quasi would look behind him, he'd see us tumble
down a hill and around a tower, never to return.>
Russell Means: <from the far side of the lawn> Hahaha! You
better dip in your Intern Pool for another guy to get your next
story from, Roy. And I hope that he draws Amine like he did!
Ha-haa, who says White Males can't be fun?
That sounds like a perfect way to start my Firestorm Flagship
series, wouldn't you say? A sort of "Wonderful World of Disney"
meets "X-Files" with me and Poca playing Muller and Scully?
I gonna start DISNEYLAND: FIRESTORM Eps 01 . . . oh, I'm
starting it the same day that I'm finishing this one, and will
probably finish it in time for the Firestorm Universe to get
their own page in my Web Site:
See you then . . .