He mocked me in MiSTed: FF7
He mocked my friend, David Gonterman in various fanfics.
Being a passive-aggressive person myself, I never said anything bad.
But he took what is not rightfully his.
And now he deserves to pay.
Note: This fic takes place at the "Mads on Mobius" setting (which I know is
being discontinued, and I know that this isn't a Sonic fanfic, but what's the
harm in bending the rules?) Courtesy of David Gonterman.
Note to all David-haters: The host segments are PROOFREAD, so no harm done.
(70's picture of the exterior SoL. Think Charlie's Angels. Cheap theme
music goes on in the background.)
(Caption: Satellite of Love)
(SoL. Mike runs by, pauses, turns around, and shoots obviously blank shots
offscreen aimlessly. He continues running.)
(Caption: Starring Kevin Bacon as Michael J. Nelson)
(Tom dashes, stumbles, and falls under the desk. A muffled "Ow" is heard
in the background.)
(Caption: With Rip Torn as Thomas Servo)
(Gypsy, in the slinky dress we see in her one-woman show on "The Day the Earth
Froze" runs past. A muffled "Ow" is heard in the background.)
(Caption: And Brooke Shields as the lovely Gypsy)
(The background music stops. We hear a record scratch, then it begins again.)
(Crow runs, stops, shoots a couple of obviously blank rounds aimlessly, and
runs past. A muffled "Ow" is heard in the background.)
(Caption: And Rob Lowe as Crow T. Robot)
(Shot of a goal post in Wisconsin somewhere. Gypsy is wrapped around one
end on the top. Pan out to see Mike sitting on the ground by the goal post.)
(Caption: Written by Tom Spistak)
(Shot of two doors in an apartment. The doors open and Gypsy and Crow enter,
one from each door. The doors smack into each other and Crow falls down from
(Caption: Directed by Robin Williams)
(Shot of Mike, Tom, Gypsy, and Crow collapsing on a park bench next to a
(Caption: Based on the comedy of Bobcat Goldthwait and Jeff Foxworthy)
(SoL. A TV is on the desk, Mike playing Sonic and Knuckles. Crow walks in.)
Crow: What'cha doing, Mikey?
Mike: SHHHH!!!! I'm working to defeat Metal Sonic!
(Tom hovers by.)
Tom: What's shaking?
Mike: QUIET! I have to figure out his second stage!
Tom: Um..... yeah. Right.
(Tom and Crow turn away from Mike.)
Tom: It's serious. He has the Mobius Virus.
Crow: You mean he can't bear human children?
Tom: He can't do that anyway, Tom! He's a man!
Crow: I knew that! It's a joke, stupid!
Tom: (Sighs) What this is, is more serious: The Mobius Virus causes Nintendo
and Sony lovers to turn away from their respective systems and ignore the
imitations, follow-ups, and sequels that Sega has made and buy an old, used
Genesis with a couple of old Sonic games!
Crow: How do you know he has it?
Tom: Remember a couple weeks ago when he was playing "Crash Bandicoot" without
Crow: I remember that! How did he get it?
Tom: Well, you have to be surrounded by media pertaining to Sonic the Hedgehog;
the comic, the games, the plushies, and BOTH series!
Crow: Wow! Um..... well..... is there a cure?
Tom: It's a 48 hour bug. Folks, if you have any decency, take any precautions
to avoid Sega's "Dreamcast." Knowing that it's developed by Sega and Microsoft,
you know it'll manifest itself into your mind and expand the virus!
Mike: Almost...... NO! My last life!
(Mobius. A 12-year-old male is sitting at a computer desk and typing. Packbell
Packbell: Wow! So you inject horror into other fans by posting bad grammatical
errors in the form of a story?
12-year-old: In a nutshell! And in order to attract a wide variety of fans,
you can loosely base it on a fandom of some sort!
Packbell: Amazing! I must look into this!
12-year-old: Excuse me. (To the camera) Mike, remember me?
Mike: Never seen you before in my life.
(Mobius. Packbell has called Snively and Robotnik to see.)
12-year-old: Here's a hint: It begins with "Samantha" and ends with "Jones."
Mike: You're a *woman?*
Crow: It's Oscar!
12-year-old: NO, YOU IDIOT! It's JAMIE JEANS! I MADE FUN OF YOU!
Mike: I was here. You were in Chrono Trigger.
Jamie: Yeah. I thought so.
Mike: What? What did you think so?
(Mobius. The villains are talking and pointing at Jamie's computer.)
Jamie: I have taken control of the camera just for today to send you three
one of my fics. It's called "The Death of Davey Krockett," and I hope it's
(Snively walks up to Jamie.)
Snively: Jamie, will you join our club?
Jamie: Um..... okay.....
(Jamie presses ENTER.)
(SoL. Movie sign.)
MARCH 4 1998
This is just a little thing I'm putting in here in order to get
Mike: A life. This *is* Jamie Jeans, after all.
some things off my chest. First off, I am doing this because the fictional
character of David Kintobar deserves to die. I won't say anything like
that about the author because I am simply not that kind of person.
Second of all, I would like to extend my greatest apologies to
anyone who has read David Gonterman's pieces of work unMSTied.
Tom: The only way you can apologize is if you wrote the work yourself.
Crow: Maybe Jamie moonlights as Davey!
If you have not read too much of it then you won't go insane.
Crow: Obviously, Jamie has read maybe a bit too much himself.
Third, I would like to extend my greatest thanks to Michael
Surbrook, aka Susano, for allowing me to use his
Mike: I'm guessing "computer."
Mike: (Through clenched teeth) Easy, easy.... Crow's just being who
he is....... avoid the cliche'......
character Shion Nys,
from the Kazei
Five campaign world, in this story.
Fourth, to David Gonterman, get some help. Preferably in the
form of a Military boot to the head.
Mike: Do him a favor and *meet* him first.
Crow: He just contradicted what he said in three paragraphs! Ow!
Now, on with the
Crow: Failed attempt at poignancy!
Crow: That would be my next guess.
THE DEATH OF DAVID KINTOBAR
Tom: I know a Kinto *bor*, but no Kinto *Bar*!
Crow: (Jamie, in amazement) You got it!
Mike: Jamie, by Levi's.
The man, dressed in black pants, shirt, and trench coat,
Crow: To cover up the tank top, sports bra, and bikini briefs
ran at full speed along the street, cursing the water
Mike: (Man) Stupid water!
that had gotten into his boots from the pouring rain. Crossing the cracked and ruined street, he stopped just outside the bar
to catch his breath.
Tom: His breath was very quick, though......
"Lovely weather eh,"
Crow: (Minnesotan) Just a normal summer in Minnesota. Straight winds coming
about every day.
he remarked to the towering figure that was probably the bouncer.
Mike: (Raoul Julia) Die, Fat Man! I am in Interface!
"Indeed," the big man rumbled, "Check your weapons at the
register before going in." The bouncer looked unarmed, but his massive
build and armored limbs seemed to indicate that he didn't need a gun.
Crow: So, just for the heck of it, the man shot him.
The drenched man smiled nervously
Tom: (Nervous) Eh heh heh, heh........
and quickly handed his small
(Mike covers Crow's eyes)
pistol to the gum-chewing woman who lounged behind the gun-check
Mike: With the bouncer completely ignoring the bazooka strapped to his back, he
Walking into the nightclub known throughout the 'Zone as
Crow: The Yellow Banana, he saw Nigel and the gang playing "Big Bottom."
Mike: The Avalanche Hideout, Cloud greeted Tifa at the bar.
Tom: The Gasworks, where Wayne saw Cassandra for the first time.
93 Underground, he glanced over the
Tom: Pile of dead.......
gathered patrons. Satisfied that the
Crow: bellydance he so desperately wanted was on its way.....
person he needed to talk to wasn't there, he went to the bar and took a
Crow: Lap dance.
Mike: (Clenched teeth) Double header, just let him do what he wants.... for
"What will it be," the bartender asked.
"Uh... Just a ginger ale please?
Tom: (Sunny) And.... a Ginger Soda. Thank you.
I'm, uh, waiting for someone," he replied.
Mike: (Nervous) Yeah, that's it.....
"You are?" the bartender gave him an inquitive look,
Crow: (Bartender) Me?
All: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!
The bartender arched an eyebrow and handed him his ginger
ale. "She'll be in later." He pointed to a far booth, "That's her usual
Tom: (Man) Oh, what the hell. Give me three beers.
It was five hours later
Mike: And three kegs of pure alcohol later.....
when The Empress
Crow: Zeal waited for the Mammon machine to be finished.
finally showed up, dressed regally in her black body suit, white clamshell armor and
Tom: (Snickers) She's dressed like Cherri Tart!
Her knee-length white hair swished from side to side side
Mike: Side side side side side side side side side.
as she scanned the room and spotted the young man sitting at the bar.
Crow: Wayne Campbell.
Walking over to him, she simply stood and stared at him, displaying all
the emotion of a computer monitor.
Mike: With scenes from "General Hospital" on the screen.
"I assume," she said icily, " you are my contact."
Tom: (Empress) So let me put you in my eye.
The man turned to face her and nodded, gulping slightly as
he realized how poorly the pictures he'd seen conveyed her true
Tom: She looked quite a bit like Abe, the Mudokon!
Beautiful didn't begin to describe her.
Mike: "Ugly" came to mind when he looked at her.
"You contacted me via my e-mail drop about a job," Shion
glanced down at the man, "What would it be?"
Crow: (Empress) Pick up my dry cleaning and call the vet!
The man gulped again. He had
Tom: Overactive salivary glands.
also not fully realized just how imposing a figure she was in person.
Mike: (Empress) Is what you will make of yourself!
assination of a young man, a troublesome superhero, to be
Tom: Yet a pretty nice guy in the long run......
precise. As of late, his recent activities in various fanfics have
gained an infamous air
Mike: Pugh! Light a match!
about them. I represent these people who would be most
grateful for his *untimely* demise," he explained.
Tom: (Empress) All two of them!
"Wetwork..." Shion looked at the man sharply, "And just
what makes his work so terrible as to require his death?"
"His fanfics are terribly done,
Mike: A bit vague, aren't we, Jamie?
with badly made crossovers
with himself as the main hero of the story."
Crow: HEY! His grammar and spelling has improved! Are you just referring to
"Blood and Metal" and "Sailor Moon USA?"
"There are plenty of superhero's
Tom: What does this superhero own?
in such fanfics... I've *seen* several myself. How is this man's
Mike: This man's WHAT?
The young man paused. What he was about to say was sure
to disgust her immensely.
Mike: (Man) Will you go out with me?
"In the story, the author, who is a kind of
freelance cyborg Power Ranger, shape shifts into a fox from time to
"You're wasting my time," Shion growled and turned to
Crow: She got tired of it halfway through, and decided to just call it a
"and sleeps with Sailor Moon."
Shion stopped, a barely suppressed shudder shaking her
entire body. Turning back to the him, she flashed him
a cold, predatory smile.
"Tell me more."
* * *
David Kintobar, dressed in
jeans, t-shirt, sneakers, and
a belt buckle with his power morpher on it, walked outside his home to
collect the morning newspaper,.
Crow: (Beavis) Wait a second! I may be a TV-watching moron, but a comma
next to a period makes absolutely no sense!
"What a beautiful day today. Just like the day they
dropped the bomb on Hiroshima,"
Tom: (Davey) Ha ha, I remember that day. What fun I had.
Mike: What a coincidence! We got a bomb here right now!
he said, picking up the newspaper and walking back inside.
His peaceful ass
Tom: As opposed to a furious, berserk, bloodthirsty ass.
Crow: (Sarcasm) Oh, thank you for that wonderful picture.
essment of weather was rudely interrupted
when the roof of his house, as well as the upper floor, was ripped away
in a spray of splinters and wallboard dust and thrown onto the street.
Mike: (Davey) How rude!
Who would be stupid enough to do something
like that to *me*,"
Crow: Davey may look idiotic in his fanfics, but he is not pompous!
he shouted, holding up one hand to protect his face
Tom: (Davey) Owieowieowieowieowieowie!
from flying debris.
That was when a bolt of pure force slammed into his
chest, propelling the cyborg out into the street.
"You dare to call me stupid? Me? Shion Nys, the
Empress? Now you truly do deserve to die," Shion said coldly.
"Look lady, I don't know who the f***
Mike: No, please, it's "Phrack."
you are but you just bought yourself a whole heap of trouble," David said, reaching for his power morpher.
"I suppose I'll have give you a fighting chance," Shion
replied with a slight sigh. "After all, I need a *brief* stint of
exercise after traveling so far."
"Prepare to lose like the Japanese did in World War
Tom: Mike, from what you know, does Davey always reminisce about the Japanese
for no good reason?
Mike: Um....... no, I don't think so.
Tom: I didn't think so, either.
(Tom lunges toward the screen and pokes a hole in the screen)
Tom: TAKE THAT, FANFIC!!!
David shouted as he went through his transformation.
A glint of power shined in Shion's eyes. "I think not,
Crow: I thought it was Kinto "Bar!"
* * *
The fight, to say the least, was hardly into it's second
minute and David was on his knees, panting heavily and holding his
broken cyborg arm. Sparks and hydraulic fluid leaked from it, making him wince
Mike: And why not? It's a basically *inanimate* object that was never
attached to him in the first place!
"Now prepare to die," he shouted, clumsily taking out
his Zordon 16.
Crow: (Zordon) Alpha? Tommy? Billy? Where are you?
Shion merely stood there, unfazed by both his words and
the plasma shots that slammed harmlessly into her telekinetic shields.
Tom: So..... Jamie, all you've proven is that Davey here can't stand a
chance against Shion. Why?
"You're boring me Mr. Kintobar," Shion yawned, "Now, I
think you should prepare to
Crow: (Shion) Spin plates on your nose!
Mike: Yep! I get it!
David's plasma gun was suddenly ripped from his hands
Mike: I KNOW!
and crushed in into a small ball before being tossed away. Then he began to
Mike: Okay, HE'S DEAD!
choke as fingers of psychokinetic force wrapped themselves about his
Mike: WE SAW THE TITLE!
throat and lifted him into the air. Unable to breathe, he had no
Mike: WE KNEW FROM THE BEGINNING!
alternative but to escape. Concentrating, he shifted into his fox form
Mike: You know what, Fanfic? Bite me.
(Mike leaves the theater)
and fell free, running as soon as he had touched the ground.
Tom: Pathetic. Let's go with that word, shall we?
Shion shook her head and gestured with one
hand, easily recapturing the man with her telekinetic power.
Tom: Oh, please! YES, SHION CAN DESTROY DAVEY AND SONIC AND THE WORLD!
WE KNOW! DON'T SHOVE IT IN OUR FACES SO MUCH!
Holding him up in the air, Shion thought for a few
moments, thinking of an appropriate way to eliminate the man.
Crow: (Mortal Kombat) FINISH HIM!
However, her dour mood at his inability to put up resistance of any kind quickly
doused any creativity on her part.
"Oh well," she shrugged, "sometimes the best ways are
the simple ways."
Tom: So she stabbed him in the heart?
With a twist of psychokinetic energy, she snapped her
Crow: <Davey-kins> *Jumps out of Shion185's grip and kills her*
Tom: <Shion> LOL
Dropping the limp body to the ground, she watched with
disinterest as it shifted back into a naked young man with burnt and
twisted cyborg parts.
Crow: (Shion) I hate naked 21 year old males! Phooey!
"I can't believe I asked for half a million nuyen
Tom: So.... it's a thousand dollars for a man's life. Gotcha.
For this job. It was so easy I could have done this for free! But, I do have an
image to maintain."
Crow: So Shion's a Turk.
Pausing only a moment to rip off the deceased David's
cyborg arm, Shion vanished.
* * *
(Mike walks in)
Mike: Sorry, I just had to cool off for a minute.
"So is he dead?" the man asked.
Mike: (Shion) No, he's just sleeping!
Shion nodded and placed the cyborg arm on the table.
The pair were sitting in Shion's customary booth in 93
Underground, going over the job.
Tom: Jamie has yet to master the "Enter" button.
"I take it he wasn't much of a challenge," he said.
"Hardly. A single Puma in full combat dress
Mike: (Man) Who normally fights Donald Pleasance......
would have more exercise then that pathetic excuse for a man."
"Thank you, Miss Nys. As per our arrangement, here is
Crow: YOUR LIFE!!!!!
All: (Applause noises)
Crow: Isn't it wrong how Jamie halves the agreed amount within 20 lines?
and a Victoria's Secret coupon book." He handed her a small briefcase.
"You're welcome. If you ever need to do business with
me again, you know how to contact me,"
Tom: The HENTAI SIGNAL!
Shion said, taking the briefcase from him.
"Certainly. But may I ask one question before we part
Mike: (Man) Would you sleep with me?
"Why the Victoria's Secret coupon book? You've got more
then enough money to not have worry about savings."
Shion shrugged, "It's not for me, it's for my sister.
Crow: (Nervous Shion) Heh heh, yeah..... that's it........
She said she wanted to get something nice for Ling Ling for her birthday."
Before the man could respond, a radio tucked into one
pocket of his trench coat crackled to life.
"Come on Mike! Ask her to ask her sister to go out with
me," came a voice.
Crow: Just the incredulous attempt at injecting humor into this story.....
"Excuse me a moment..." Mike fiddled around in the
pocket of his coat before pulling the radio out out. "Shut up, Crow," he
hissed into it.
"Would you get off the radio?" came a second voice over
Mike: Well..... maybe it's a different Crow!
Crow: Like Brandon Lee!
"Oh let me speak to her Tom... please?"
"No! And besides, we have to get Mike back before evil
and company find out that he's gone," Tom said.
Shion merely arched an eyebrow at this as Mike J. Nelson
hastily took up the cyborg arm and rushed out of the nightclub.
Mike: Wait..... so I ordered Shion to kill a guy who I think is actually
Crow: In a nutshell.
(They file out)
Mike: Well, that was awful.
Crow: If you want to kill off a character, wait for the author's consent
Tom: Well, I thought about this before, and decided to write such a fanfic
to relieve us all. Roll 'em, Cambot!
THE DEATH OF SAMANTHA JONES
BY CEDRIC HENRY
6:00 PM CENTRAL
After watching "A very special FF7 Thanksgiving Dinner," I just
couldn't take it. I sat through lemons, fanfics, and MiSTings, and I think
that was when I, Samantha Jones, lost it.
Mike and the 'Bots watched in horror as I pulled a six-shooter
from my pocket. Crow was munching on a tasty chocolate-syrup-marshmallow
"I can't take it anymore!" I shouted, "It doesn't make sense!
Nothing makes sense! And if it does it's all gotta stop!"
"Samantha?" Tom said in astonishment.
"Put the gun down, Samantha." Mike said in bemusement.
"Can I have more marshmallows on my sandwich?" Crow said in hunger.
"CROW!" Mike yelled.
"There's nobody in charge. Forrester runs everything and nothing
works! I have no control and, unlike YOU, Jul- I mean, Mike, I am SICK
and TIRED of running from him!" I put the gun to my head. "I'm gonna do
Okay, here's the part in the story where I throw the gun away and
have this cathartic revelation that suicide's wrong, that life's worth
living, everything's O.K........ you know, all that crap.
Who cares? I pulled the trigger.
That's when I woke up.
In a sweat-soaked nightmare, I had dreamt that I, Jamie Jeans, was
a redhead named Samantha Jones. Sam was a girl in my seventh-grade art
class that I had a total crush on. After several attempts at asking her
out, she finally said to me that she would think about it. A year has
passed, and she still hasn't replied. Oh well.
Tom: So, what do you think?
Mike: Four stars!
Tom: And, of course, Jamie can't complain, because he did EXACTLY the same
thing to Dave!
Mike: You really are evil, aren't you?
(Mike hits Mads light)
(Mobius. Jamie is sitting a desk, typing at his computer; he has an evil
look on his face. Packbell, Snively, and Robotnik watch eagerly.)
Jamie: No time to talk, Nelson, but I am about to post my SECOND Meta-
Misting: FF7: The Special Edition! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!
(A robot arm clamps down on his shoulder. Laughing immediately stops.
Zoom out to see a red fox in his twenties. Guess who?)
Davey: Hello. Remember me?
(Davey squeezes Jamie's shoulder until it breaks. Think "Starship Troopers."
Jamie falls to the floor, unable to move.)
Davey: Think of me when you look to the night sky.
(Davey pumps some shots into Jamie with his cyborg arm.)
Davey: Well, guys?
(SoL. Mike watches in awe.)
Mike: Wow. How did you become..... not evil?
Crow: I thought Mike had killed you. What's the deal?
(Mobius. Davey stands triumphant.)
Davey: I am a friend of Cedric Henry, author of this MiST. He used his
powers to heal me!
Mike: Um...... he has no powers. We weren't even aware that he existed!
(Mobius. The villains are eyeing Davey in surprise.)
Davey: Don't sweat it. Neither flames, or viruses, or black of spam shall
keep me from my appointed rounds!
(Fade to black.)
Davey: Cool, huh?
E-mail me with questions, comments, flames, hate mail, spam, viruses, cash
donations, human feces, and letter bombs can be sent to Henrykid@Paulbunyan.net
Jamie, if you read this, my apologies.
JUST KIDDING! MiST "The Death of Sam Jones," I dare ya!
Speaking of which...... Sam Jones's speech by Sam Kieth, known for his
legendary comic, "The Maxx!" (His brother produces "Cow and Chicken!")
So SHUT UP, JAMIE!
Watch "The Truman Show." You'll love it if you have an IQ of 30 or higher.